The past year

This year (or a schoolyear to be more exact) has been a very difficult yet interesting one. For the last year I haven’t been doing so well on my blog which deeply saddens me. I love blogging and always have ever since I started this very blog. For the last year though, I haven’t had time and more important I haven’t felt inspired. I went from two posts a week to one and sometimes I didn’t even manage that. This made me feel quit bad about myself and about my priorities. Because if I am honest, my blog wasn’t high on the list at all.

This post is not a sorry and it’s not even an explanation. It’s just the goals that I had set for myself this year.

Waiting for someone else to decide if you are worth it enough

This schoolyear has started very rough for me. I graduated and became a teacher’s assistant which basically no one except my family thought I could do because of the circumstances. But I did and after a summer of hospital I started university. I went to a university of applied sciences and had one goal to get my Propedeuse.

What is that you might ask yourself. So I googled it and thanks to wikipedia I have the answer in English. A propedeuse is a propaedeutic diploma issued after the first year of studies. The diploma is not a recognized degree and thus grants no rights outside the Dutch educational system (but for us it’s valuable). When in use at an educational institution, the propaedeutic diploma is a mandatory diploma which a student acquires by successfully completing all subjects (60 credits) and study requirements of the first year. This first year is therefore also known as the propedeuse or the propedeutische fase (literally, “propaedeutical phase”). If you get 50 points you still go to the next year and finish the last courses, then. But when you get the prodedeuse you can go to a research university or just go and do any other degree.

which basically no one except my family thought I could do

So I wanted that. To show myself and others that I could do it. In December of last year, I was told that all the cancer in my body was gone but for me that didn’t mean the horror times where over. Quite the contrary to be honest. I began to feel all the emotions I hadn’t fully felt for a such a long time. And even though I had all these emotions I still worked hard for school. Then I had an exam which I didn’t pass, it was my first exam that I needed to retake, my very first of the year. So I worked extra hard and retook it and because of the fact that the class was busy and the teacher didn’t want to hand out the exams and all these things kept happening. I couldn’t focus and I tried my hardest but failed. I felt then like I had failed myself, like I let myself down. It might sound dark but getting into this school and getting my propedeuse was the one light guiding my through all the darkness. So I asked school if I could retake the exam again, to prove that I could (to myself) and get my propedeuse.

Normally you can take the exam again the next year which I could do was it not for the fact that I need to take a year off. It took me long to release and to accept but a gap year is all I need right now. I need to rest and I need time to get through the trauma that was my life for such a long time. I need to give myself time to heal before the flame that got me through burns out.
I haven’t heard anything from school yet and I’ve tried to get answers. No luck yet but I’ll keep trying. This is the hardest part, I guess. Because I’ve been through hell and back all by myself and I knew what I had to do, what I must do to get better. And with the support of the people around me, I did. But this, this is different. There is nothing I can do. I have worked my butt of to be where I am right now. This year I will have 58 point instead of 60 because of that stupid test. And I might be able to retake it and once I know I will do everything in my power to make it an amazing mark. But for now…..

Quite the contrary to be honest. I began to feel all the emotions I hadn’t fully felt for a such a long time

For now, I can’t do anything. And that’s scary and difficult and stupid and terrible. Waiting is worse than fighting for what you want. Because if you fought even when you lose you can tell yourself you did everything in your power to save yourself, or to get that grade. Losing because of things your brain and body does that are out of your control is terrible but waiting for someone else to decide if you are worth it enough for a second change is almost traumatically hard.
To end this on a happier note, it’s almost vacation and before then I will probably (and hopefully know my faith). Let’s all hope it will be good.

Lots of love,


EDIT: I did it! I was allowed to do the test again and got a super good grade! I got my propedeuse which I couldn’t be happier about.

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