Personal

I am back

I am back for business. I have been away from a long time. I am not even going to say sorry, it’s no use anyway.

It’s one of those things that when you first stop posting you feel upset but then every post after that it gets a bit easier to just not update. Honestly I haven’t been in the best place mentally and physically. I have been feeling under the weather in more ways than one. University is very hard. I mean we all know that school is difficult and hard work especially doing a course on the highest possible level bachelor wise (I’m attending a research university). Lately I have been feeling so upset for not updating though that I am back. If you’ll have me.

The thing is that have been struggling with the work not as much the work on it’s own but my time management as well as my feelings on my work. I have been struggling being proud of what I accomplish. On of the things is that I am not sure what I am doing half the time. Therefor I always feel I haven’t done enough but a lot as well. The hours I spend on my course work aren’t made sufficiently. Therefor I did work for half an hour but worked for an hour so it feels like I did an hour. Which gives a screwed up idea of the kind of work I did do.

As well as the fact that I have a hard time having fun. It is so important to have fun, to socialize to have fun and do lovely things with friends. When I feel stressed and upset I am hiding away. Which is a technique I have implemented for a long time. I am great at pushing everyone away and saying no to a lot of things. Here is the thing though, I do not like being that way. I never actually used to be that way. I was the do it all girl. I guess that is the thing I mis the most. I always used to think that I could make it happen somehow. Somehow I could fit everything in. It made me happy, being busy made me  be able to relax. It hasn’t been like that for a long time and that has multiple reasons. One of those is obviously my health which is upsetting to me because I thought my energy would be so much better than it is. it’s actually sort of sucky. Do not worry I am getting my blood checked because I feel that my thyroid is not helping (I have a good reason to belief this, but it’s not that important), I also suddenly got quit bad skin which isn’t going anywhere so I will bother my doctor about that.

ANYWAY, I used to be able to juggle it all and yes my health is AN issue but it’s not THE issue. The issue is my own head. I am keeping myself back. My self confidence and my ideas about the world and about what I can or cannot do is what is holding me back. I don’t want to start things because then there is a change that I need to admit I can’t do it anymore. I don’t like disappointing myself, I don’t like admitting that something doesn’t work. I don’t belief that things can’t be done. I am holding myself back to experience life at it’s fullest because I am afraid to find out that it can’t be done. But that isn’t a reason to make myself unhappy. I generally feel that I am very idiotic in that sense. Like I am well aware how weird the whole thing is but I feel like I can’t change it. Because and this is what it boils down to: It is so much easier to complain about something than it is to change it. I used to be able to do a lot of stuff: study, exercise, eat healthy have and fun with friends. I used to and I need to belief I still again. As well as blogging. I might not be the most interesting blogger or anything but it makes me happy and it’s silly to stop doing something that makes you happy just because you feel like it’s easier to just not do that thing at all. If you don’t do something you can’t be bad at it, but you need to remember if you don’t do something you already finished last. Which I am never okay with. I have had the greatest and busiest week ever. I really want to leave the upsetting parts behind and focus full force on the future. Where blogging has a place in my life again.

Lots of love,
Melissa

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