There are multiple ways to lose someone. In a lot of ways you can feel like you lost someone. Without them really going anywhere. A person that used to be your best friend is a simple stranger now. Someone that you used to love is hesitant to say hello. You can see you lost them trough the eyes, when someone is a million miles away and it isn’t the same as it used to before. The way you used to laugh or cry. The way you used to have fun about absolutely nothing but it felt like everything all at once.

There are other ways of loss. In a lot of ways much harder ways.

The type of loss where you know that you can never give someone a big hug, where you know they will never smile at you or look you in the eye and tell you how special you are.

Suddenly the most simple things will remind you of this person. It’s the fact that they can never text or call. That you can not ever tell them about your day. About your love life about your struggles. How you will never hear how proud they are of you. How amazing those new jeans are. That you, yes you are the apple to their eye.

I recently lost my Nan, (my other nan passed about two years ago. I loved them both with all that I had). My late grandmother however had had cancer as well and we could talk so well about it. Without words, we understood. We could communicate about it in a way she never really was able to before. It still feels simply not real. Like I can’t fully grasp it. As if tomorrow I wake up and she is fine once again. Like when it’s Christmas she will give me a big hug and tell me I look like a million dollars. She was so proud of me, the fact that I study at university that I am doing something I love with every fiber of my being. She thought me that, whatever you end up doing. Do it with love.

For her but also for myself.

see you next time


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