I have been gone

I feel like I have been saying this a lot since the last couple of years. When I first started this blog I was so consistent. I was so proud of what I was doing but now, years later it isn’t that a lot changed. Not even how I feel about it. My priorities have changed, how much I can take on. Maybe not even that, maybe it’s just how much I take on and it might not have much to do with how able I am.

And as much as I like to say that I have been doing a media detox. Or that I was living the high life and that I was enjoying every bit of the world. I am a terrible liar. Yes even over the internet. Here is the thing. I have been troubling myself with not being able to do a lot of things at once. I can trouble myself with problems that aren’t even mine. Or things that really don’t matter or thing si can’t influence.

I finished all my classes of my first semester. I got all my grades back. I did so well, I did much better than I had expected. I however feel that I am always lacking.  My pride and the feeling of gratitude over myself and my accomplishments isn’t lasting. There is always something more, something next on my never ending to do list and all the tasks I haven’t finished, or not yet even started. It might sound as stupid as it feels but it’s horrible. Scary even to not be able to do it all. Every once in a while when the world smiles at me I feel this prickling in my neck, my body telling me to brace myself. As if I can’t ever be happy or be carefree. I guess that’s also why I make things that actually aren’t such a big deal such a thing in my head because then at least if it’s al falling apart it wouldn’t matter because then I can tell myself that my heart wasn’t fully in it. When I am truly happy, truly proud I can fall very hard all the way down and I don’t want that.

It’s a struggle to release that the world is actually smiling back at me, waiting for me, to embrace it once again. Whenever you deal with stress, a heartbreak or something different. You sometimes lose sight. You lose sight of all the times it did turn out to be okay. When my room is littered with cups of half drunken tea, when a sad song playlist is blasting. Or when my whole surrounding is as clean as a button and I have a girl empowering song on. it doesn’t matter. It’s all from within. I am a dark cloud. Which wouldn’t matter besides the fact that I do not want to be a dark cloud. I don’t want to be rain. I don’t want to be the upset. I want to be the sun, the fresh smell of a summer morning.

I have been doubting. Everything. My health, my intelligence, my feelings on life but one thing I do know is that I chose to love life a long time ago. I promised myself to make it the best there is and I haven’t been doing that. Which is a shame because I own it. To myself. No one else. Just me. But that’s the most important person in life isn’t it? So here I am back again and I might leave. It’s a daily fight to keep the darkness at bay but isn’t that the case for everyone?

lots of love,

Melissa