Personal

Here it is..

The great, the amazing. THE EPIC COMEBACK. You have been waiting for this, I know you have. Alrighty I know you have not, not really. I also know that. am back with a new look and a new attitude. Alrighty then, let me be honest. I haven’t been blogging because I didn’t know what I wanted to talk about which might sound odd. I didn’t have the energy not the brain capacity over the last few months to blog. I thought I did but I let my blog slip as a priority which is a shame because I love nothing more than chatting to you about all the things going on.

I, however found myself in a state of mind where I didn’t have nor made time for anything. I always have a big dip in my energy around this time a year. The third period or more commonly known as the first half of the second semester has never been my time to shine. Ever since I was a little girl. It has been known, this time of year isn’t for me.

And as much as I like to say that I have been doing a media detox. Or that I was living the high life and that I was enjoying every bit of the world. I am a terrible liar. (Always have been and probably always will be). Besides by the last paragraph you probably figured this wasn’t the case anyway. Here is the thing. I have been troubling myself with not being able to do a lot of things at once. I can trouble myself with problems that aren’t even mine, or with things that don’t really matter or things I can’t influence. Now I am not talking about the weather or bus times but besides that most the of things I think about thus feel stress from (it might be silly but I can not help it).

I found myself in a state of mind where I didn’t have nor made time for anything.

I finished all my classes of my first semester. I got all my grades back. I did so well, I did much better than I had expected. I also got my third period back (first half of semester 2, and did alright). I however feel that I am always lacking, every exam I made was done incredibly well. People fail all the time. I have seen the tats I am doing fine. I also have and great point average. But still..  

My mind is full, overflowing thinking about my never ending to do list and all the tasks I haven’t finished. It might sound as stupid as it feels but it’s horrible. Scary even to not be able to do it all. Every once in a while when the world smiles at me I feel this prickling in my neck, my body telling me to brace myself. As if I can’t ever be happy or be carefree. I guess that’s also why I make things that actually aren’t such a big deal a big thing in my head because then at least if it’s al falling apart it wouldn’t matter because then I can tell myself that my heart wasn’t fully in it. It’s why I never quit until things quit for me. (fun fact; things rarely quit for you, you usually do it yourself sometimes without knowing). Until I see a different path that is forming in-front of me. It’s a struggle to release that the world is actually smiling back at me, waiting for me, to embrace it once again.

I can trouble myself with problems that aren’t even mine, or with things that don’t really matter or things I can’t influence.

Whenever you deal with stress, a heartbreak or something different. You sometimes lose sight. You lose sight of all the times it did turn out to be okay. When my room is littered with cups of half drunken tea, when a sad song playlist is blasting. Or when my whole surroundings are as clean as a button and I have a girl empowering song on. It doesn’t matter. It’s all from within. I am a dark cloud. Which wouldn’t matter besides the fact that I do not want to be a dark cloud. I don’t want to be the rain. I don’t want to be the upset. I want to be the sun, the fresh smell of a summer morning. The happiness from within. The person that makes it happen whatever life throws at them. A girl that does it all, for her. For herself and no one else. Her own sun, her own centre of the universe. I can trouble myself with problems that aren’t even mine, or with things that don’t really matter or things I can’t influence.

I have been doubting. Everything. My health, my intelligence, my feelings on life but one thing I do know is that I chose to love life a long time ago. I promised myself to make it the best there is and I haven’t been doing that. Which is a shame because I own it. To myself. No one else. Just me. But that’s the most important person in life isn’t it? It’s difficult to put yourself first. To be your own top priority. If we would speak to our friend the way we speak to ourselves we wouldn’t have any friends left. It’s strange because you should, always speak to yourself with happiness  and love. We should accept who we are, who we are becoming. Where we come from and what made us that way. I belief that people are resilient far more than most give themselves credit for.

It is a scary thing to not be able to do it all.

Yet, still it keeps haunting me. The feeling of never being good enough, always wanting (nay needing) more. Regretting decision already made, being overwhelmed with life. As much as people might want you to belief this; you cannot life of the land. You need to work and work hard to earn money, respect and a fabulous degree. I have been very fierce about my number one rule lately and to be honest I haven’t felt as proud about that as I probably should. My number one rule: School before anything else (manly in the work context) I keep thinking: “why can’t I work more, why can’t I do it all?”. The thing is simple. I can’t. I know I can’t or don’t want to spread my time like that. I feel that it is admirable in so many way that I can see what my strengths are, my weaknesses. What I do and don’t want to do. What will bring me closer to my goals and what will not. ‘Why reach for the stars when you can get the moon?’ Is something I have always preached. A saying I have always followed. But as a counter fact, you can’t get the moon without having a couple of obstacles in your way. Sad as it might be, Failure is part of the proces. Or at least, the feeling of failure. You never truly fail. 

It’s a struggle to release that the world is actually smiling back at me, waiting for me, to embrace it once again.

Rock bottom is the place where dreams and goals are made. The only way from there is up. I belief we should be grateful, powerful, happy. No matter what it takes. Simply put I need to learn and accept that enough sometimes really is good enough. Anyway I am back. Back with my word vomit and very interesting stories. I might be back for good, I might not. I never truly leave but here we are and you will be seeing a lot more from me.

Lots of love,
Mel

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