Personal

Stress.

For some reason it always find me, or I always find it. I don’t know which one it is. I think I would like it to be me because then I could change. On the other hand if it finds me it would make sense. No matter how much I try to avoid it. With every fiber of my being, it is always right there.

Stress keeps greeting me like an old friend. Stress is very helpful, very necessary. But it keeps haunting me, when I don’t need it at all. When I try so much to avoid it. On the other hand I don’t at all. When you put yourself out there stress will find you. No matter how much you try to avoid it. No matter how much you plan to make your life a breeze. It never is.

I found that I don’t react well to stress. I worry, I’m a worrier. I need space and time to get my head in order, this takes me a bit longer than others. There isn’t always time or space for that. I tried to not to express my stress but that just made me angry. Then you might think, alright just don’t then. Avoid those situations.

Here is the thing. I love putting myself out there. It gives me joy, it brings me energy. It makes me feel the most like myself. I don’t have that a lot. I don’t want to live my life on the sidelines avoiding everything that I know will make me happy in the long run. That’s who I am, who I always have been. It’s the reason I am where I am right now. It always pays off in the end. But it’s not fair, not to myself nor my surroundings.

Life doesn’t give you a break, especially when you want one. Whatever you go trough changes you. It makes you a different person. The good, the ugly you can’t choose. You need to accept it. The fact that I have trouble breathing when I work out a ton or when it’s really hot outside. It’s something that sticks with me. It might go away, I might just not notice in a few years. I have that with mental things as well. I need psychological safe surroundings (that is btw not a big thing, nor a safe space. Just the internal feeling of being able to be myself) more than others in order to grow. I am a pretty emotional person so I feel surroundings a lot. I keep forgetting that this is something I deal with now. Because when I am feeling great, I feel so much like myself that it feels as if it doesn’t matter. That is shouldn’t matter, that I am strong.

This post wasn’t supposed to be thing long and this detailed. Bottom line and what I learned it that you are strong for knowing your weaknesses. For growing through to them. For having the desire to become a better person that you where yesterday. Not everyone will get that, not everyone will get you that space. But that’s on them. If people can’t appreciate the wonderful things you bring to the table. If they can’t wait a bit longer for the best meal ever. Let them eat alone.

You and me. We are worth so much more than that and we should tell ourselves that more often. Believe in yourself, belief that you bring amazing things to the table. You just have to find a table that will love to have you.

Lots of love,

Mel

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