This memory comes to mind where I was talking to an online friend, who later disappeared on me (I hope you are alright girl, wish you the best), and her telling me “you really do it all. How on earth is that possible?” And I couldn’t give a good answer. The only answer I had was ‘ I am not sure, I just do”. A part of the answer lies in who I am in my core, who I am as a person. I have an all or nothing personality/character. I find so many things interesting and fun that I can never choose so I used to do it all. When I am in, I am all in and will give it everything I got. Things just fell into my lap and I grabbed everything with both of my hands. I loved doing it all, I really like being busy because when I am not I always feel that I should be. It’s a coping mechanisme for me as well. I am very much a perfectionist but if you have a lot on your plate out of necessity you will be alright with things your perfectionist mind wouldn’t normally be fine with.
I used to do it all and still have things I wanted to do more of/do better. And then suddenly I couldn’t do it anymore. I have been struggling lately. Which for me is actually really difficult to admit. Because I was the do-it-all girl and then suddenly I wasn’t anymore. Knowing that has actually been a terrible heartbreak for me. I wanted/needed to change that, to find that that pinical of doing it all once more. I have been pushing myself to be back their right away to do it all right away. To do all the things, all the time. I have been pushing myself beyond my limits and I have been failing at that. Failure is good if you learn from it, Which is also something I have not been doing. I have not been giving myself the time and the space to become the badass woman I know I can be.
Then you might wonder why I know that I haven’t been doing these things but haven’t done anything to change it. Sounds a bit dumb to be honest. Which is something you would be correct in. I have however just found it out. I just released I have been doing it wrong. I told you about my character. But that isn’t the whole story, I am an all or none character but that isn’t typically how it happens. Alright boring, you might be thinking. How did it happen then? I didn’t know how it happened myself. It simply just did. And that simple statement is just it. I kept adding things, one at the time. Building the things I did everyday, building good habits. Building my life. Colouring in my days until they became full. That didn’t happen overnight. No one wakes up being their best selves, living their best life. Just because they wanted to. Good habits aren’t formed over night. Putting yourself together after trauma doesn’t just happen because you really want it to. You got to work at it, everyday. That work however needs to be the right sort of work because otherwise you will be working so hard and not really going anywhere.
To conclude: My comeback has been a struggle not only because comebacks are the hardest thing to do. But also because you can not go from zero to a hundred. Who knew? No matter how many people say that you can. They might, you might but for me it wasn’t working. This all means that I needed to revise my game plan to make my comeback as amazing as I thought it could be. I just now released that taking it slow might be the way to go. You don’t just one day wake up to be the do-it-all girl. You work real hard each day to do the things you enjoy doing and someday someone will ask how you do it all. And you will know your answer.