I lift the lukewarm coffee to my lips as it cost me three euros I ought to drink it. The colder it gets the more bitter it turns. I smile to my cup as L tells me a story about her weekend. There I am sitting with my laptop open (but not doing any work), laughing, drinking cold coffee. Having on what I would later say ‘the best time’. We talk about everything and nothing at all, that’s why coffee dates are our favourites. This Wednesday afternoon we are in a new place that we never been to before. The coffee is the same as it always is, the cake is sugary and the stories are better. While we are laughing unattractively. You walk in, our eyes meet and even though we never met it suddenly feels warm. You smile and so do I. Without thinking, without obligation. Naturally like we were supposed to meet, right here. I look down at my coffee still wearing that smile while I put my hair behind my ear. When I look up again, you are gone..
Saying that I love writing probably wouldn’t surprise anyone. I love imagining stories and being creative with my words. Sometimes this comes easier than other times. It’s not about being swept off you feet. It’s not even about a boy telling me that I am special. That all he has ever done is dreaming of meeting me. Because 1. ridiculous but also 2. uninspiring. It’s about something else, dreams like that. There are about life. The life you want instead of the one you have..
Simply put I love, love. I love the idea of being with someone forever. I belief in marriage and staying together for the long term. I like the idea of being with a person that knows you so well. I live life the way most people do when they are in a relationship. I am not saying you should live a certain life when you are in a relationship. But people in a relationship in general don’t go out as much, they do things together. I am a home body. I love staying in, watching a film. I love just being, in the moment. I love going to the movies, or to dinner or to get a coffee. I love going on walks and cooking. I like reading and discussing poor storytelling. You can do all that with friends and I do but still.. it’s not the same. It’s a different way of being when you are with a significant other. I also feel this whole things is beginning to sound a bit sad. I am not though, I am alright.
I love things that I feel are a bit dull, a bit silly. I have been told more than once that I am indeed very boring and maybe I am. I am comfortable and this makes me happy. I try so hard though. I try to go out, which is fun to a certain extent but it always takes forever to feel myself again. When I go out I feel so out of place that it’s practically on my forehead. The thing is you can not meet anyone from your bedroom. Which I know. The things is how on earth then?
For some reason you don’t just find anyone anywhere. Life apparently isn’t like it is in the movies. Who knew? All jokes aside. For some people waiting works but at this rate I will be waiting forever and that is no fun. Now my problem with tinder or things like it is the following. My feeling get hurt easily online. So I have a hard time reaching out because I am terribly afraid of people not saying anything to me. I also am attracted to someones ‘vibe’ as you can call that. The way they present themselves, the way they make the room feel, the way they are. Just by being themselves. I love that, It’s so important how someone makes you feel. You can’t have that online and I am not one to just meet someone quickly. It’s a paradox. I feel that I am stuck in a place where I don’t really want to be. I am sitting here accepting the fact that there will not just walk a boy into my life asking me to go for a coffee, telling he want me to be his. I am accepting that but not being happy with it. It would be so much easier, but when is life easy?
So here goes, on of my goals this year. Finding a social way that I like and fits my personality but also makes me able to meet new people. I also think it is important for me to do things alone more often. When I lived in England I really fell in love with my own company and I really fell out of that habit. So I want to reconnect to the world as well as myself.