For a long while now I have had a writers block. This has happend before only then there wasn’t anything I wanted or could write about. I would sit in front of my computer but no words would come out. Whereas this time, it is very different. I have so much to talk about, I have all these ideas and all these words. Yet, somehow I can’t put any word on paper that will be worth our while. I have see so many films which I truly want to write about. But, I can not do it for some odd reason.
Sometimes this happens where I will push aside blogging for a little while, and a little while becomes a long while and before I know it, I can’t push myself towards it anymore. It’s funny as I adore blogging. Sometimes especially the last few years, I have been feeling as I I have been doing this for myself and only I read here (Which I know, I know isn’t true). I feel I can not justify taking the time out of my table to write about a film because I already know how I feel. Yet, I started when I was sixteen and I never want to do anything else. I love what I do, it gives me joy. I have never made a penny doing it. I joined the amazon affiliate program but I don’t know if anyone would even care. I also tried installing google absence, I used to have this on the old blog but never got paid the two dollars or so I had earned. I love the way writing makes me feel, how it teaches me about myself. How it is some sort of diary.
Side note, I filmed a video (yes truly). A study with me, I had it edited and ready to go but then my camera broke and I couldn’t help but see this as an omen. It was as if the world told me, don’t do it girl. That was the moment I suppose that I truly lost my groove.
I recently read some old blog posts like the ones from when I was living in England and life was so fun. It was so easy to be happy. I used to have this lovely routine where at least once a week I would go to town and get a cup of coffee and just walk aimlessly. I didn’t go anywhere in particular, I just took time to be. To really connect back with myself, that is where I was finally able to relax with myself. It would get me out of the house which I have found to be important. I was excited even on the weekends to wake up. I would eat and get going. Never truly knowing what I would dom besides my morning run. Maybe that day I would do some shopping, maybe just enjoying a coffee. Maybe go to my favourite place. The possibilities seemed endless. The nights I spent with the people I was living with, relaxing, playing games, watching films. Liking your own company, having an enjoyable routine is a very hard thing to do. There wasn’t anyone I could call, there weren’t friends to meet up with. I had enough people and colleagues around me don’t get me wrong. But there were no peers. No one was there to influence me, to critique what I was up to. I was eighteen and the youngest person I knew was twenty-five. It was peaceful like that. I suppose I notice by reading it back how hectic my life is now. I always liked hectic. I always liked busy. I always enjoyed being up and about. Yet, I haven’t been enjoying it. Not even a little, not at all.
Here is the thing, life is hard. It sucks but whatever you do make sure you like it. It shouldn’t bother you what others think, it’s about what you think, feel and belief. If you love sitting in your house reading a book that is nice. If you enjoy to just go on a walk for two hours, away from everyone and everything. That is alright. You need to recharge, you need to reload. You cannot poor from an empty cup. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says but you need to figure out what you love to do. What recharges you? Write it down, say it out loud. Do it. Go out, get a coffee walk around. Go sit behind that computer and get your groove back.
And know that in your heart, trying sometimes is good enough. We can not change the world overnight but we can try to change how we feel about it.