When I used to live in Engeland

I don’t know how many times I have said that exact line. I sort of say it over and over again. The reason why I say this all the time, for the people that do not know. When I was eighteen I went abroad for three months, which in all fairness is a short period of time. The thing though is when I lived there every day was a day to celebrate. Every single day was a day where I tried to find lovely things, I tried to experience it all so much and make it so that I got a lesson and a nice memory from every single day.

I normally don’t live like that, when I just go to school and stuff all the days seem to kind of morph into one. For most people life is like that. Which thinking about it now makes me quite sad. I should live like I lived in Engeland more. Also I loved myself and my live when I lived there so I have many positive vibes from that place. As well that I grew so much in such a short time. I learned so much and experienced so much. Therefor I can always find something in my life now and relate it to back then.

Another big reason why I always go on about England is because when I came back I was at such a high. The months December through March where is most productive happy days. Looking back at those days now. I was so care free.

So now I’m sitting in my room watching video’s from when I lived in England. And I miss it. I can’t wait to visit New Castle again. (I have just visited but the stay was too short).  It was such and amazing experience and that place really became my home. I feel the most alive when I am walking down the quayside, preferably with a Starbucks frap in my hand.

New castle is the place where I learned to truly enjoy my own company. I learned to love to be alone. I used to dislike shopping on my own, but here there was no other choice. So I used to go into town or the shopping centre and wear my ear phones and just browse for hours.

I have always been very critical about myself, my goals and who I was as a person. In England I became the person I was meant to be all along. An independent babe that loved working out, loved shopping, loved make-up but was fine without those things as well. I learned to lived with less. I learned how hard work pays off. I learned to fall head over heels in love with none other than MYSELF. I was always so worried about my weight, my diet and how I looked. But I couldn’t stand on the scale there because it wasn’t in kg and I couldn’t be bothered to convert. I didn’t really care. I really truly liked how I looked for the first time in a long time. I learned to listen to my body and eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. Your body is so smart. If you can eat whenever you truly do not want a pint of ice-cream a day.

Back before I used to be so worried about my clothes, about how they looked and I felt this constant pull between what I wanted to wear and what was fashionable. In Engeland I found two sides of me, there is a side that loves girly dresses, that loves peter pan collars and skirts. Than there is another side of me. The ripped jeans, plain tees and messy bun girl. I am  those two people, I am the girl that loves both and I finally found it outlet for both. I realised I looked the best and I felt the best when I just bought whatever the freak I loved. Instead of giving into peer pressure. Peer pressure is one of those things you don’t release influence you until you live months away from anyone that can be considered your peers.

I was ready, ready to conquer the world. Ready to kick ass and make all my dreams come true.

But then my life changed. In April my life was turned upside down and the next 9 month went by in a blur. It was April, may then august, suddenly it was October, December and then it was my birthday again. It was the creaziest expierce. The three months I lived in England felt like three years, the 2 years after England has felt like 2 months in some ways and a decade in others.

I used to live in England. Where I learned to be independent, where I learned to trust my body, to trust my mind. Where I fell in love with my mind, body and soul. The place where I grew up, where I found my independence, where I truly learned the values of money and family. Where I released that at the end of the day you need to make yourself happy.

People thinks that you cannot really lose yourself. You cannot really sit somewhere and realise that you forgot who you are, but the problem is that you can. I have lived three months of my life, learning, experiencing and being the girl I was meant to be all alone and then cancer came along. Taking the floor underneath my feet. For nine months I have felt like Alice, just mindlessly falling down the rabbit hole, wondering where the end is and what happens when I get there.

Then I fell down, I got up and released I was okay so I tried to make live happen as if it was all okay. I was so lost in touch with myself. The thing is. Remembering who I was doesn’t do anything. The girl that made those funky vlogs in Engeland doesn’t exist anymore. How terrible that makes me feel. However the girl with those dreams, with those strengths, those values, that appreciation for live is still there. She just fell down the rabbit hole. She needs to rediscover who she is, to become the better version who she is. She not only needs to remember she needs to rediscover and maybe that is the hardest thing.

I JUST TO LIVE IN ENGLAND and I loved the heck out of my time there. I would recommend moving abroad for a period of time in your late teens, early twenties. I would recommend it because I wouldn’t have wanted to miss it.